Note: I have been asked where I’ve been over the past year. The truth is, I have started and stopped writing blog posts several times throughout the year. I had made a promise to myself and publicly on this blog that I would never be silenced again. But sometimes, life keeps you quiet. I wrote the following blog entry over a year ago and kept it in draft status. I read it to my husband a few nights ago and he agreed that I should post it.
From March 2017
When your husband of less than 6 months tells you that he has been having suicidal thoughts, you know what goes through your mind? That it’s your fault. He had a life before you that didn’t cause him to think about ending it all. He didn’t have the stress of multiple homes, moves, in-laws, step kids, a nagging snoring wife keeping him up.
When he tells you it’s not you, it’s part of the depression and it’s all the things that he can’t control like his new job where he feels useless, his lack of sleep, his lack of a hobby, his feeling that he doesn’t have anything extra to do. You know what you think? It’s your fault and what do you do now?
I have known all along that my husband suffers through depression. He’s been on a medication for at least 10 years. I have watched him try to wean himself off and on of it throughout the years we’ve been together. I wonder if his current thoughts are related to the fact that he takes himself on and off of the meds so we can have successful relations.
I have seen the sadness and the flares of anger. I have seen the way he took care of his place and the way he takes care of his car. I have seen this man with a big heart and a gigantic sense of humor do nothing as his teeth fall out and his smile gets hidden because of the shame. I have seen his spirit suffer without teaching the classes that give him so much joy.
I was starting to get suspicious based on some things he was saying.
Sometimes people commit suicide because they’re in so much pain and they don’t see any other way.
My friend’s husband literally jumped off a bridge to end his depression. I’ve watched her live with the consequences of his actions. He ended his pain. He caused her continued pain.
Recognizing these thoughts my husband immediately contacted a psychologist and a psychiatrist. He was told he needs to be seen twice a week. The counselor gave him some strategies to start working on to help him find his way out of the depression and away from the thoughts. The counselor doesn’t think he’s truly at risk.
My husband doesn’t think he’s at risk because he didn’t actually picture doing the act.
I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. It shouldn’t be about me. It should be about him. Making him better. Letting him figure out ways to make himself better.
Suddenly, everything that seemed possible, seems unhinged and scary.
Update: My husband still goes to therapy once a week. He sees a psychiatrist monthly to discuss his depression medication. There is definitely help out there if you are willing to seek it out. Please remember that.